This post was originally published on 7/1/22 for my “New Moon” blog series, which is part of the $1 membership on Ko-Fi.
“The World moves as you self-improve.”
A personal mantra of mine, to put the blinders on for everything on the outside in order to dive deeper into self-growth. Being too logical and analytical by nature proves difficult at times due to me obsessing on the details of how certain plans of mine may come about. Additionally, the mantra ceases dwelling on circumstances mostly out of my control. It can give one the same peace of mind as “Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Matthew 6:33)
And thus, my world has moved as soon as I threw down the gauntlet. I moved out of that dingy neighborhood in Brooklyn, and back home. It was an instant adjustment, and I feel comfortable again. I also finally got a firm offer from the county court to hire me. I was truly impressed with how fast life has started moving in a better direction.
But in one case, it moved too fast.
“Main character’s have a goal. A purpose. They don’t get sidetracked easily.”
This is what I said in the last chapter.
As you know, I’ve been heavily oriented towards Japanese for nearly two years now. In that regard, I haven’t been sidetracked. When I began studying, what drove my consistency was a blind faith that pursuing this passion will open doors for me, and so far it has. It’s the reason why I have my current job, and am excelling at it.
But it’s merely just a goal. One that will be completed eventually. And as my competence and interest grows, naturally I’ve been surrounded by more Japanese things. Thus enters a new Japanese woman to throw things for a spin.
See, Lana is just a one-sided crush, from my end, but when I saw Nanami, she stared into me as if it was love at first sight. And she was, so far, the most beautiful girl I have worked with these past few months.
I was truly confused at why she was staring at me. I thought she was a customer looking for directions, or just someone surprised to see me, since I don’t generally work in that particular site (was covering for another employee).
We nervously introduced ourselves, but I split up quickly to go clock in, since my boss was already there. Later, I discovered that she probably was really interested in me, since she immediately offered to be a tour guide for me if I came to Tokyo. I also immediately rejected her by saying my manager has already offered that (he did).
I spent the rest of my time focused on my work, and was later told that she had a rather tall task of a project to finish in just three weeks, and I got her off my back again by advising her to get good with the other interns.
But being the people-pleaser that I am, I thought it was mean of me to leave Nanami hanging like that (not on the project, but just doing my work and not trying to talk to her). This also wasn’t the first time a Japanese girl has showed me signs of interest either, so I felt that I was already on two strikes, and I had to take this lob from the universe.
I gave her my number, with the stipulation that she should call only if she truly can not find anyone else. She also gave me hers and offered once again to show me around Tokyo.
—–
The reason why I gave her my number was, yes, not only just because she was hot, but also because my cousin that I was staying with previously wants to hangout this weekend, and my first instinct was (fuck I just want to Monk Mode), but I agreed to be social. So, I was feeling a bit generous with my time and also open to be inspired by life’s randomness if I gave it these small opportunities. Yes, the next three weeks of my life could be potentially lost, but I might gain something valuable in return, that’s not just my daily routine based on incremental growth.
But by giving her my number, I came out of the lobster cave (The First Chamber). It was aloof, but I was still pursuing women in a covert way. And where did that lead me? Having her, the feminine (Yin), serve as the black dot labelled “Chaos” over my white masculine “Order” (Yang).
I decided to text her after two days to see when she was going back to Japan.
At the very least, this approach was selfish, as I didn’t inquire about the art project, and only pursued the ideal situation that benefits me (having a connection in Tokyo). She hasn’t responded yet. And probably won’t. So now I have that emotional drama to contend with as well, especially if I return to that shop sometime soon to buy some souvenirs exclusive to that site for my other co-workers when I quit the job.
(Update: She did text back eventually. Japanese people usually use a messenger called “LINE”, so she wasn’t used to receiving regular texts.)
So yeah, I’m kind of regretful about it, especially since I don’t even like her that much. But just imagine, someone like me, with two jobs and multiple hobbies, giving up my time to run around the city with some girl for a project I won’t even be compensated or credited for?
And I was going to do all that just because she’s attractive?
I even told myself before I gave my number If she was a guy, I would never, EVER do this. I knew it was fucked, but guys in the semen retention community talk all the time about female attraction experiences increasing while we’re on the path. I just thought this was one of them. I didn’t really know what to do with it, and since it was somewhat synergistic with my goal (Japan), I thought it might be okay. I mean, a girl like her is kind of what I’m hoping to get with while I’m in Japan anyway, more or less, right?
So I let her throw me off the path, and I got sucked into her world. Just imagine that. Me being her lackey, shooting and editing the video for her. SHE WOULD TOTALLY BE THE MAIN CHARACTER THERE.
WTF!
So there, that was my problem.
I do have a purpose, but I suppose it isn’t strong enough. It’s like an egg or plant that I’m just caring for now, but as it hasn’t hatched or bloomed yet, there isn’t much proof of it’s productiveness.
Look at the stylization of this chapter’s title. The capital letters, singled out, spell “MAN ACTER”.
I’m only acting as a man.
Perhaps it meant something different in part 1, but for now, what it means is that most of my interest in Nanami was social. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I was already feeling some movement down there, just giving her my phone number. But investing additional time into her like I was opening myself up to do was obviously moving towards potentially having a relationship.
I explained before that I take interactions with women very seriously, and I don’t usually consider things in the moment and instead see far into the future with the two of us, and that’s why I have rejected many women in the past.
I told my grandmother about my interaction with Nanami. She then mentioned that my brother said recently that he thinks I’ll get a Japanese girlfriend soon. If I was actually going to date Nanami, or any girl in the future, it would give me so much social status within my family.
Hell, I only told my grandmother about it because she said, once again, that my habit of being responsible for certain things around the house will make my future wife very, very happy. Of course I explained to them my thoughts on marriage and children many times in the past, but being blue pill entails a state of being consistent with the programming. Therefore I will receive a consistent message.
A part of me did play with that thought however, that I was finally going to be accepted by the Normies. I was going to contribute to society. Just take it on the chin and go to work for the system so I can provide for my family (Nanami is 28, after all, so I’d have to buck up real soon for the kiddos, wouldn’t I?)
But luckily, she hadn’t reached out when I was most vulnerable to that.
This experience triggered me into needing to decide, firmly, what the fuck it is that I really want. What exactly is my purpose, and do I truly not have interest in letting girls into my circle, because I think what hurts the most about this whole situation is that I went into it half-hearted. I don’t want to do that. And I’ve lied before already, faking my emotions, just to get sex.
I want to have integrity.
I even have to let my own past go as I move forward, because the memories of not capitalizing on previous potentialities influenced me to give Nanami a shot, even though I felt no chemistry with her off the bat.
Truth is, if I just get to Japan, there are probably a million Nanamis. It was a lack of foresight on my part to overextend myself as I did.
So, things will be better if one waits.
But how does one find the patience and discipline to wait out the storm? Earnest development through spiritual goals.
=== heART ==
“Using one’s heart is the highest form of martial arts.” – Third Master Hsieh Hsiao-feng
Phoebe texted me again actually. A week before I met Nanami, and again earlier this week. Phoebe wants to be the main character again. She’s texting me, but is trying her best not to flat out say “let’s fuck.” She wants me to pursue her, but I’m not interested, because Phoebe is just another result of my people-pleasing/over-extending habit. I’m not going back to that anymore.
I wasn’t using my heart. Phoebe actually wouldn’t be a bad partner. In fact, she’s mature enough to be compatible with non-ejaculatory sex, a goal of mine, but the issue is that my heart doesn’t want to slow down with Phoebe; it wants to cum so I can get the hell out of there. Therefore, I’d rather cultivate in solitude.
The feeling of the heart involved is an expansive one. It is intrigue. Life is pulling you along as you run hand-in-hand, moment-to-moment, rather than the cold restitution of machination. That’s the mind.
The mind is forceful, while the heart is flowing.
The mind is the moon, revolving around the Earth, the material, what is easily perceptible in this world. But that same Earth revolves around the Sun, the world of infinite power and possibility. The engine behind our perception.
This is why it’s called “expanding your horizons.” Enrich your perception.
But nonetheless, the moon, and the Earth, only receive the Sun’s light over one part of itself at a time. There will always be darkness, and ignorance.
Watching the sun itself as it approaches the horizon will eventually leave one in darkness as the sun completes its setting. When this occurs, of course we can rely on the moon for additional light, but please recall that in doing so, the moon will always only show one face as it turns in tandem with the Earth.
But man can create his own light, through fire, or electricity. Inner fire. Inner spark.
This is cultivated when one inspires light when deep in the darkness. When the silence is thorough enough for one to hear his own heartbeat.
Man must grow. He must circulate. He fails once he reaches a conclusion.
He permeates through life as soon as he recognizes that life permeates through him.
The heart is a blade, but not one that cuts outward, but inward, in order to deepen his perception, his experience, his consciousness, of the life unraveling before him.
So then, if we hold the blade, is fear nothing more than the fear of ourselves?
There is no Far Side…. – Monk Moon Base
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