Into The Depths of Desire – Dry Fasting + No Fap Hard Mode/Monk

This blog post was originally published on 3/24/20 on my website.

I’ve been Playing on the Hardest Difficulty on my diet and especially on No Fap, which I’ve recently hit a major check point on past the 30 day mark.

Technically, the last PMO was 79 days ago, but the reason why I’m highlighting this particular 34 day streak is because I completely cut out all intentional viewing of sexual imagery. Yes, that even includes avoiding Twitch thots and YouTube click bait.

Sandman is lucky I already followed his channel before all the sex propaganda he has in his videos now.

But the goal of all this isn’t to deny my sexuality. I haven’t taken any vows of celibacy. This is simply a fast from stimulating my sexual desire for a 90-day reboot.

I believe absence does make the heart grow fonder, and I want to know how strong my desire is, and if there truly is something deeper underneath it all.

We’re too overstimulated to know what we really want anymore. Any moment of silence and introspection is smothered each time we refresh the News Feed. Our mental diets are now dictated by the algorithm. We’re procrastinating from being assigned responsibility for our own lives.

Only when we are fasted and deprived can we truly know what’s meaningful and necessary. It’s the only way we can shed ourselves of everything that is artificial.

Of course when you first start fasting or dieting you will settle for any form of sustenance no matter its quality to return you back to your previously perceived equilibrium. But as you persevere, you gain focus and discipline. Former habits and temptations become trivial.

Practicing intentional control over food and sex is in fact a red pill.

I struggled for so long to get past 30 days on the Keto diet because I would miss the taste of my favorite junk foods, but the longer I practiced Keto, the more I realized I was only initiated by the years of good memories and neural pathways associated with the food, and derived less and less actual satisfaction from the foods themselves overtime. By now, with over six months of strict practice under my belt, I’m repulsed just by the smell of certain snacks I used to enjoy. I don’t even have to look at the labels to talk myself out of them anymore. Sugar and high-carb has become the Blue Pill.

I hope I can be able to say the same about porn, masturbation, and mainstream sex as well, but it’s just too soon to tell. In fact, suppressing my sexuality actually interfered with my diet, as I found myself overeating and consuming more entertainment media than usual just to hide from it.

I honestly would not recommend someone focusing on taming both their food and sex drives at once like I am, but like I said, the hardest difficulty encourages the most growth at the fastest rate.Play On The Hardest Difficulty – MGTOW, No Fap and Semen Retention

At first, I actually regretted working on both fasting and No Fap at the same time, but now I’m quite grateful, as I appreciate food a lot more now, making the roars of my sex drive more quiet these days.

“Food just passes through you, in the same way sex passes through you. It’s just a biological drive. However, the difference is that food is more of a necessity than sex. Without food you may die. But you can survive just fine without an orgasm.” – 30 Days of No-Fap – Road to Self-Mastery

The more disciplined I become in my control of sex, the less I need to hide from it. But with fewer activities left to pass the time and compensate, the closer I get to the core of things, and the root of my dissatisfaction and desire.


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Into The Depths of Desire

Throughout all these years, I never realized how deeply I retreated into porn to cover up or escape my emotions.

During this most recent No Fap streak, I believe I truly got to the root of my dissatisfaction with my life.

My earlier notes discussed this idea of a need for “relief“, which most likely refers to relief from the work and stress I’m going through trying to become debt-free and move out into my own apartment. However, my current income as well as the high rent prices in NYC make that very difficult.

So, to escape this, I obviously need to put in more hours at my day job, and invest in a side business such as this blog, for additional income and mobility. But with the amount of money that has to be saved and paid toward my debts, I can’t help but feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. I can only chase the carrot for so long without any reinforcement to keep going.

That’s why I’m willing to call myself an incel right now, because I do not have the time nor mental wherewithal to date, nor the money (if I’m being responsible) for an “express date” (escort).

So, essentially, I needed to come up with some scheme that would offer some incentive and satisfaction in the interim to keep the engine running at high efficiency until I get to my goal.

But to make matters worse, I was also experimenting with alternate day all-day dry fasting, which means I would have one day of regular feeding and the next day completely without food or water.

“Is There More To Life Than Just Food and Sex?”

Yes, there is.

As I laid there resting from my work, hungry, thirsty, and horny, I experienced real lethargy knowing I would not see any relief to any of my biological urges at this time, and that I had to power through my work for no other reason than it being the most logical thing to do.

I had finally reached the final form of all my training: I became a stoic machine that does only what is necessary. But without any sensory pleasures, life had become so bleak, even my greatest dissatisfaction from not being alone began to fade in the background.

I realized I needed a distraction if I aimed to continue with any more work. If I am a machine, then my battery must be passion, and I did not have enough passion towards my job or my main objective to power through this depleted and deprived state. The little bit of effort I already put in was enough.

If I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I’d keep running through the darkness, but my work breaks were just time to rest my mind until getting back into more work. I had nothing to look forward to, and it made work even harder to get through.


I actually already answered in the article what it was exactly that was more in life than food and sex. It was Spirituality, Philosophy, Science, and Art.

I particularly relied on Art to get me through these food-and-sexless times, especially video games, and it’s actually quite incredible how heavily invested I can become in the hobby.

I almost teared up actually, when I was hit with nostalgia for Pokemon. After struggling for so long with porn addiction, I was so happy to know that I could still be enthralled by wholesome things like video-games and rediscovering my childhood.

I’ve been playing more video-games lately, which is why I published two stories related to Fallout 4 recently. I would power through my work harder than ever just to have enough spare time to play.


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Will I Remain In Monk Mode?

In one of my more profound early writings, Finding The Wall: Plateaued Productivity and Leaving Monk Mode, I meditated on productivity and what limits I would have to hit in order to consider leaving the state.

This experiment has enlightened me that to perform work I must have compensation and resources. Genuine work like creating art asks for very little in return, but my menial day job requires a lot of hand-holding. The monetary compensation is very low, the tasks are monotonous, but it offers me at-home comfort, so I’ve settled with it.

The paradox of desperation is that it motivates me to take action, but also adds stress that decreases my satisfaction.

My desperation to move out has been great, but not enough to consider sacrificing with more student loan debt or a normie job on the outside world. Therefore, I’m only pushing myself as hard as the proportion of satisfaction I’m getting in return.

Even if the horse chases harder initially to get the entire carrot, it will run out of incentive and energy eventually unless you feed it small pieces of carrot along the way.

That said, I have stripped my dopamine system down to its core so that just the pleasant thought of eating one of my simple meals with an episode of anime is enough to get me out of bed and straight to work in the morning. I can forget about sex completely if I can sublimate it with creative expression, and I’ve gamified my accounting to give every day of work more impact.

But maybe, at the back of my mind, I know things are only going this well because at the end of it all, I still desire the whole carrot. I know my gut will be healed one day and I can safely eat sugar again. All my debts will be paid off and I’ll have my own space. I’ll have more money and free time to date.

So, if I start running any faster, or my goal seems to be getting closer, it’s only because I’ve gotten hornier, and hungrier.

However, there is a notable portion of my desire dedicated to the fact that more time, space, and money will massively benefit my creative efforts. I could record so much more audio for my videos with an empty house, and could afford commissioning art work for my fictional works. But for now, the acquisition of sensory pleasures, along with our need to avoid pain, must be the basic formula for all human achievement.

But beware, my friends. If we dive any deeper than this, I think we will approach the surface of the soul.

See you on the Far Side… – Monk Moon Base

“Epicureanism argued that pleasure was the chief good in life. Hence, Epicurus advocated living in such a way as to derive the greatest amount of pleasure possible during one’s lifetime, yet doing so moderately in order to avoid the suffering incurred by overindulgence in such pleasure. Emphasis was placed on pleasures of the mind rather than on physical pleasures. Unnecessary and, especially, artificially produced desires were to be suppressed.” – Epicureanism Wikipedia


Thanks for reading. What are your thoughts? If there is no food or sex, Conan, what is best in life?

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Play On The Hardest Difficulty – MGTOW, No Fap and Semen Retention

A tactic I use to get the most fun out of video games these days is to simply play the game on its hardest difficulty.

It’s the fastest way to getting good at the game, and only requires one play through, as opposed to going through the normal difficulty first just to learn the ropes.

This also reflects the two ways that men become MGTOW. Many played the game on Easy Mode and followed the Blue Pill strategy guide only to get a “Game Over” screen after a divorce or some other betrayal by their former lover. Now they have to start a New Game, but potentially with over half of their finances cut, along with children to support (and you know how much we hate escort missions!). Is that the type of game you want to play?

The other way to join MGTOW is to instead front load all the difficulty at the beginning by crushing all of the hopes and dreams you initially had for your future through reasoning that the safest and most optimal outcome for your life requires you to alter or avoid relationships with women and the prospects of parenthood.

But no matter the method for getting through the Red Pill to MGTOW, somewhere along the way, it’s going to hurt.

“The sole and supreme use of suffering is to purify, to burn out all that is useless and impure. Suffering ceases for him who is pure.” – James Allen, As A Man Thinketh

Life on Hard Mode

Ronin Man, one of my favorite MGTOWs, recently published a video critiquing the practice of No-Fap, and he asked a very hard hitting question on whether guys on no fap or other retaining practices appear “peaceful.” I responded:

“It’s not about peace. It’s about self-knowledge, self-sufficiency, and self-mastery.”

It’s such a great question because the context is absolutely true. I will admit to you that I am not at all peaceful. But then again, has any of the work since taking the Red Pill been peaceful? It is an incredibly difficult task to tear down your former beliefs and personality to rebuild yourself entirely from a new core.

The goal was never peace. It’s why we took the Red Pill to begin with. We didn’t want the blissfully ignorant dream that ends in waking to a nightmare. No, we wanted the cold hard truth.

The Game That I’m Playing

One of my core hypotheses is that we function as Organic Intelligence Programs, referring to the plasticity of our brains and personalities, suggesting that with enough tinkering, we can be reprogrammed.

Of course, the body itself has its own vast intelligence. It’s our HP bar with natural strength, agility, constitution, etc. But for the majority of humans, the body has been running the entire game.

For instance, let’s take its desire for genetic reproduction, and the institutions of love, marriage, family, and even religion, that our intelligence programs have created to protect that imperative. You take the Red Pill when you deprogram yourself from this basic operating system.

Since a few months ago, I have been asking myself “Is There More To Life Than Just Food and Sex?”, and so the exact parameters of this game that I’m playing has been to closely control and/or monitor my behavior with my No Fap/Semen Retention practice as well as my Keto/Fasting Diet.

It’s not like I was ever an over consumer on any of the things I’m currently fasting from either. I just need to satisfy this incessant curiosity to know if there truly is something greater on the other side.

We play games to be challenged, and I’ve organized my life so far to do exactly this. I honestly would not recommend someone focusing on taming both their food and sex drives at once like I am, but like I said, the hardest difficulty encourages the most growth at the fastest rate.


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Changing Class Systems

Changing my Character class is another fun thing to do to extend the play time of a game for a second run, where I would create a new character with a completely different play style. For example, the first play could have been a very vanilla, goody-two-shoes soldier archetype, but I might choose a stealthy, squirmy ranger/scoundrel for the second play through.

TFM also had a great rant on No Fap recently as well, specifically highlighting his frustration with the practice and the common occurrence of wet dreams at the end of each month. This is by far the most common wall No Fap practitioners hit during their practice.

Ironically, it disproves one of Ronin Man’s points against No Fap, that the practice is “shutting down the pipes”, which is clearly untrue if they force themselves open every now and then.

But going back to hitting the wall of wet dreams (yikes), it truly is the point in which all pivots are made on No Fap. First off, there is disagreement on whether experiencing one counts against your streak or not. This is where men decide to either continue their training at the school of Semen Retention, or to remain as just a strictly Non-PMO organization (No Porn Masturbation Orgasm).

The decision is usually guided by whether or not the practitioner is more invested in either the biological or psychological effects on No Fap. I was personally more uncomfortable with wet dreams and wanted to figure out how to stop them, and that’s what made me pursue semen retention.

However, other men suffer from a psychological drain from watching porn, and are more interested in developing healthier sex habits. The stages of which these men will set up camp outside the wall ranges from something like masturbating for a maximum of once per week only using their imagination, to no masturbation at all with release only allowed with a partner.

“Continue? Insert Coin.”

TFM couldn’t get over the wall, and so he found Celestina, his sex doll waifu, and is currently living happily ever after until her next upgrade.

But I’m not without my faults. I’ve written about my recent PMO relapse (Losing My Compass – Relapse, Desire, and Dissatisfaction on No Fap), and have also begun questioning if long-term practice is right for me.

Since then I decided to play on a harder difficulty, and this time completely cut out indulging in any pornographic or sexually stimulating content as well. Yeah, that even includes avoiding a lot of racy click-bait as well. However, I only made it to 28 days on that avenue, and contemplated on admitting I got a “Game Over” once again.

But the game wasn’t over. Not even close.

This whole time, running in the background, my semen retention streak counter has reached 45 days! I made it over the wall!

It was like I was trying to fill up my special move bar and got upset that I missed the opportunity for a flashy finish. I wanted to reset the entire game just because I ranked up an ability in a skill tree path that’s a bit outside of my class archetype.

Role Playing

Role Playing is another tool I use to spice things up if I’m no longer interested in a standard play through.

In Monster Hunter, I made a female character who is only allowed to use light weapons. In Fallout 4, I didn’t pick up any loot when I first started until it made narrative sense to start collecting junk and eating meat from the irradiated animals.

I was doing the same with No-Fap. I can’t say my 12 years of watching porn hasn’t altered my sexual interests. Unfortunately, my belief in the brain’s plasticity has backfired on me. I believe I’ve been reprogrammed towards a certain sexual interest and want to see if there’s a possibility to return to original factory settings.

Man, that’s one hell of a side quest. And this is exactly why I say I give out “Red Pills that are out of this world.” I’m willing to believe and experiment on very esoteric practices.

I shouldn’t be watching porn anyway, because it could end up interfering with my progress on semen retention. But I just want to clarify how I’m tweaking my difficulty settings on No Fap.

I’m running two simultaneous counters: one for semen retention, and another for No-PMO, where an infraction on any of the letters in the acronym results in a reset for that counter.

Min Maxing

Min Maxing is a character building strategy used in RPG games in which a player sacrifices (minimizes) growth in certain stat blocks in order to emphasize (maximizing) their strengths to produce overwhelming effects compared to more balanced characters.

In my opinion, this is MGTOW. We’ve ceased putting points into the marriage/dating/society skill trees, and are completely invested into other areas of personal development.

Sometimes, the game can feel like it’s really hard, but that’s because we still don’t understand how to play with this new class archetype. Some men want to dual class with having a girlfriend without marrying, or go purple pill. Others go full monk, or sub-class with pump and dump, etc.

When we experience hardships during our transformation into the MGTOW lifestyle, we must consider what our characters will look like at max level. The Blue Piller chose the easy path with the standard ending, only if he can somehow avoid the final boss (divorce rape). But going MGTOW is like getting the DLC expansion pack; new maps, skills, and alternate endings.

But those first few levels on MGTOW mode are brutal. Absolutely brutal. For a while it felt like you were just spinning your wheels, replaying the same level over and over again (red pill rage) while the Blue Pill men were leveling up.

But the true sweetness that is earned from a play through on these sorts of games on the highest difficulty is not just the satisfaction in taking the road less traveled, but taking the challenging task so difficult that it forces you to improve to levels beyond what was previously foreseeable.

Effectively, the game itself begins to disappear, because victory for any man who goes his own way is ultimate and imminent. You begin to realize the true battle was always between you and your former self, and any of your perceived limitations.

This is what playing on Hard Mode is, and this is what it takes to become a Champion.

See you on the Far Side… – Monk Moon Base

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