Losing My Compass – Relapse, Desire and Dissatisfaction on No Fap

My No-Fap High Scores List

1st – 163 Days

2nd – 129 Days

3rd – 101 (latest)

The first draft of this story was difficult to write. After a relapse, I had no real sense or conclusion on the matter.

Moments after the relapse happened, I remember saying to myself “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”, which is a very profound statement considering I started this practice in the pursuit of self-knowledge.

“I think there is very little to be learned about yourself in the pursuit of sex. After all it is just a sensual pleasure.” – 30 Days of No-Fap: Road to Self -Mastery

I suppose it would be more meaningful now to flip this statement: What am I learning in the pursuit of non-sex?

Sex Is Always Going To Be There

An old strategy of mine was to deliberately feed into my urges with the intent that I could increase the intensity of my motivation for other habits if I also increased my sexual urges and then focused that energy to those other habits. A specific and frequent example for this was watching porn before working out.

This is quite the crude form of sex transmutation. It would work some of the time, but generally the risks aren’t worth it, and in the end it took more time to complete the desired action anyway because of the distracting sexual build up that had to be done beforehand.

The Power of Sex

I don’t want to remove my sex drive. According to Freud’s theory of sublimation, my sexual dissatisfaction could be the source for my strong drive for achievement as a means for compensation.

“My argument is not to abandon sex forever, but to simply curb it, to fast from it, only to recognize it has no true dominion over you.”Road to Self-Mastery

The context behind that statement was derived from observing the habits of sex-controlled men, with most of their paths leading to danger; #MeToo, financial divorce rape, and even physical harm for the single men frequenting red light districts.

Well, considering all that, masturbation and sex dolls actually seem like pretty great options.

But here’s my problem: I’ve taken the Red Pill.

I’ve learned about the health benefits of semen retention and Non-ejaculatory methods for sex, and I simply can not settle for these cheaper forms of pleasure anymore. I can not go back to the way I was before.

Losing My Compass

Yes, I know; real big talk from someone who relapsed anyway.

But 129 days is still nothing to scoff at. There are men out there that fap several times a day for years on end.

But what can easily happen with longer streaks like mine is a drop in standards and a loss for the fundamentals responsible for success in the first place.

I can tell you now, in the days leading up to my relapse, I had completely forgotten about Karezza. An act like that takes time, practice, and a committed partner; three things I don’t have the mental framework for in my current monk-mode environment.

And so, my reasons for doing No-Fap slowly got further and further away.

Reorientation

“A Saiyan gets stronger after every battle.” – Prince Vegeta

This relapse doesn’t have to be taken as a loss; none of them should be, ever. Do the logical thing: detach from the shame and disappointment and learn from the experience.

#1 Don’t Feed The Beast

As stated earlier, my sex drive is already powerful enough on it’s own; it doesn’t need any extra help. Engaging with it will only allow it to overcome my current focus, and I can’t afford that sort of distraction.

(Like Saruman told the Orcs in The Fellowship of The Ring: “We have work to do!”)

#2 Delayed Gratification

This has always been an issue since the start. Sex is too powerful, and is very difficult to delay through other means to only later intend to satisfy its end.

Obviously I want to have a moderate and responsible sex life, but I also don’t want to be in-between. If I’m going to do it, just go and do it. No more edging and teasing.

Every single part of my life deserves 100% of my attention and effort when it’s the right time for me to focus on it. So if I’ve decided I’m not going to have sex right now, then it’s not worth thinking about at all for the moment.

#3 Tracking Progress

As all this drama is going on with No-Fap, meanwhile, I’ve just made nine months of my Keto/Candida diet. The awesome thing about Health & Fitness is that the gains are very observable, and while the Candida isn’t completely gone yet, I’ve at least reached my weight loss goals and other health benefits.

As someone who was already actively decreasing my masturbation frequency before I even knew about No-Fap, these “superpowers” more chronic abusers experience after they begin this practice aren’t so apparent to me.

And even if I go even further with strict Semen Retention, Debonair D recommends a six-month minimum for complete realization. That’s a really long time for a very esoteric practice with no guarantees for what could be a possible placebo effect. And so, this leads me to my last point, wrapping it all up.

#4 An Everyday Perspective

Honestly, counting my streaks, and especially wanting to reach a certain month/day milestone is making a mountain out of this ordeal. It gets even worse when you have hit high streaks before, because the low-number days you need to build up again don’t have the same impact.

This entire recent streak, I was just looking forward to beating my high score, and everyday not having it wasn’t necessarily making me more likely to achieve it, as it also made me more frustrated that I’m not where I want to be.

Too much projecting into the future made me forget what No-Fap’s purpose is supposed to be for me as an everyday experience.

I want self-mastery. I never want to be in a situation where I am compelled by some external necessity, and I’ve identified sex to be in that category at the moment.

If I just metaphorically wave to my sex drive from across the street, letting it pass me by, I can save myself so much time and money to focus on more productive and beneficial life practices. I know about my sex drive already, but I don’t really know enough about my creative drives, my relationship with food, my full opinion on money, leisure, and luxury.

Once again, sex isn’t something that has to be abandoned forever. I don’t have to be a celibate monk, and even so there are responsible and spiritual ways to incorporate it into my life, like with Karezza, for example.

But what’s clear as day to me right now is that I made some interesting choices with my life prior to MGTOW, and I think the most responsible thing to do right now is to hard freeze on everything unnecessary (deep Monk Mode) and focus on clearing up the debts and damage from the past, and forge new roads and foundations for a more successful future.

I shouldn’t be afraid of this either; I really can’t tell if my Monk Mode will last forever and I become the next Nikola Tesla (I’ve voiced this concern in FINDING THE WALL: PLATEAUED PRODUCTIVITY AND LEAVING MONK MODE).

As a separate analogy, imagine you are advised not to move during meditation. But what if a particular discomfort makes it extremely difficult to quiet the mind as the entirety of your mind becomes focused on ignoring that one uncomfortable feeling?

129/101 days is freaking good, but if No-Fap starts to become a chore in itself and ends up having the reverse effect of distracting me from my main objectives, I have to consider the possibility that I won’t become a No-Fap Guru, and I’m simply just a jack-of-all-trades, and call it quits when the urges do get that strong.

I’m a highly creative individual, and I know from my past experiences that indulging in PMO starts out tame at first, but overtime it will certainly escalate.

But if I could start doing No-Fap Hardmode properly this time, and reset my baseline enough so that I can actually derive some satisfaction from PMO every four months or so, that actually seems like a pretty good deal!

So, I suppose the next challenge and interesting question is: How strong is my sex drive? Will ignoring it on No-Fap actually end up backfiring?

We’ll see. More content on the way.

See you on the Far Side… – Monk Moon Base

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My Personal Milestone Goals (Being A New Content Creator Feels Like The Chunin Exams)

In the Naruto franchise, which I’m referencing for this article, there are three ranks of ninja classes.

The lowest rank is Genin, whom function as school students for the majority of their time. However, they are able to be promoted through the Chunin Exams.

Using this comparison, consumers and commentators of content are the Genin. They enjoy studying the content and will occasionally go on “missions”, which would be more elaborate commenting, or gain the supervision of a Jonin (high rank ninja), which would be akin to being a donor for exclusive content from well established creators.

The Chunins, on the other hand, are people like myself, who now feel they are ready to graduate from the academy and put their skills to the test.

It’s a great feeling, but also a daring one, as I can no longer comment from a distance if I disagree with a specific content creator. I actually have to provide the proof with my own work.

On the other hand, this has given me a lot of confidence, as any dislikes or dissenting comments I receive won’t be worth much to me if the person who made them does not also produce content themselves.

There is a great appreciation for those that support my content, but there can only be a mutual respect for detractors if they are putting in as much effort as I am.

I have and will continue to also challenge higher profile content producers, but very sparingly, as I am not interested in drama or farming their audience for clicks.

Another cool thing about the Chunin exams are that the Genin are not promoted by the majority rule of the village (so, I can’t say something cheesy like, “I’ll finally make it when I hit 10,000+ subscribers!”), but are instead promoted by other Ninja and the Feudal Lord observing the exam.

Although I’m not completely dependent on validation from other content creators, I do regularly compare my skills against theirs, and derive inspiration and new skills from studying their methods. Thus, I have came up with some important benchmarks for myself that I would consider a promotion through my content.

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A Seat At The Table With…Happy Humble Hermit

HHH is one of my favorite MGTOW content creators, and it would be a personal reward for me to have a sit-down talk with the man.

One of his most popular videos on Miyamoto Musashi was actually the inspiration for my Way of The Sword: Part I story, as it was the first time I learned about the swordsman’s life.

He very often encourages other MGTOW to get involved and produce their own content, and I have followed a lot of his advice in his “How To” start up guide video.

He is studying in college to become a teacher, and I’ve even taken inspiration from him on that as well. I’m at a crossroads in my career, as I have an opportunity to score a decent job and settle with my Associate’s degree, or continue to further my education to a Bachelor’s, in which my ideal job afterward would also be as a teacher.

The summers and holiday breaks off is a huge incentive, and will provide me great opportunities to continue to work on my side jobs, (like this site!).

Lastly, another of my MGTOW idols, Itachi MGTOW, whom I also wrote about previously, looked up to Hermit as well, and has been featured on his channel a few times. A sit down with Hermit would let me know I am approaching the same level of prestige as my former mentor.

808-1,000 days of No-Fap

808 is the number no-fap guru Gold Jacket Luke ended his highest streak on, and after reaching that number I will commemorate any no-fapper’s success in reaching that number as Happy Gold Jacket Luke day!

Hopefully he doesn’t take it as a personal dig, but 808 is a dope number, anyway, honestly.

Karezza + 1 year Semen Retention

Semen Retention is the next logical level to ascend to after achieving some foundation in No Fap.

Watching content from Debonair D and Health Then Opulence is actually what inspired this article, as I had two very clear elder content creators in which the distance between my experience and theirs made it very difficult for me to detract or advise them, since they’ve accumulated so much experience in this field and I’m barely out of ground zero.

One angle I have over them, however, is Karezza, and I must credit Gold Jacket Luke for enlightening me to this knowledge. It appears to be less widely known than other practices on retention, especially since the term wasn’t coined until the 1800’s.

From watching their content, it seems that both men still demonstrate a very clear divide between them and their sexual partners. They do not see the bias in allowing the female to orgasm, while they focus on retaining.

Through Karezza, both partners do not orgasm and eliminate the divide and bond very deeply together. However, I have not practiced it myself, so even though I feel they could benefit greatly from it, I have no platform to preach from.

Keto Diet + Curing Candida

It’s been 55 straight days of my Keto, Anti-Candida diet (with plenty of those days being One-Meal-A-Day fasting).

Finally achieving the hormonal balance and purging, rebuilding, and fortifying of my gut would be a huge accomplishment and also provide me a wealth of data and experience to share and introduce others into the wider health community.

I hope I can achieve some results in six months, but I am aiming for a full year to perfect this diet so I would be confident enough to lightly guide others in a helpful direction.

Monk Mode

Lastly, if I could optimize my Monk Mode focus to get myself out of this apartment and into a single in New York City (with these high rents, this is not an easy task), I would actually have the privacy I need to become more prolific with recording and uploading videos.

The videos will almost always follow my written content anyway, but with a new mic and some private space, I could catch up on a lot of my articles and provide my viewers with more content.

I would even have the ability to host live streams! So that will be a whole new level of production for me, and most certainly signifies my promotion.


That’s all for now. Just a fun little article for myself. I hope you enjoyed it too.

What would you make you feel accomplished and warrant a promotion to the next content creator level? Let me know.

I’ll See You On The Far Side… – Monk Moon Base


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Fasting and Abstinence Raises Your Baseline and Purifies Your Subconscious

This is an update for an ongoing series of articles regarding my health journey. If you would like more context, you can read the previous articles here:


The significant gains acquired through my 62 days No Fap and 44 days Keto/OMAD/Candida fasting journey have not come without significant challenges.

Old memories of former habits and feelings have started resurfacing, as if some old neurons are checking in to see if I still need those unused dopamine receptors.

One day I suddenly and vividly remembered the frozen pizzas I bought only a few times from when I worked at a supermarket back then, which was the height of my binge eating career.

I don’t miss the chocolates and chips anymore, but I reminisced on next door’s Pizza Hut bread sticks, and the steak sandwiches from the delis in the area.

But these ghost memories aren’t only occurring with food; It’s happening with my love life too.

You know the type. It’s those feelings you get about the girl you fell in love with but thought you were over her because she’s bad for you and you fell in love with someone else after her, but now it’s clear as day that you were never over her.

Yikes.

But this is what I mean by Purifying The Subconscious, because the prolonged abstaining from sensory pleasures will grant me a face-to-face with my deeply retained or repressed desires.

It is then up to me to observe and allow them to pass as I ask myself, by the time I complete my training reaching a year on my streaks from now, will I still desire these things? Would the feelings fall away?

Would I have raised my baseline?

Raising My Baseline

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I reflected in my last health update that I had always crumbled right before the Day 30 mark during my past bouts on the Keto diet, and I was only able to succeed so well this time because I had redirected my off-menu urges with the much safer dark chocolate and almond butter option.

By the way, Health Tip: almonds are very high in oxalates, so eating them over repeated days was probably the source of my digestion issues.

But on average I don’t stray too far from my calorie limit and one meal setting anymore. I go through the same four day rotation of assorted veggies, fish, meat, or egg protein, and healthy fats in seeds, oils, coconut, and butter.

And as I begin to deprogram from sugar, I am also starting to drift away from standard sex.

I’ve come across a new sexual lifestyle called Karezza.

Many of it’s practitioners may also be invested in more spiritual endeavors (AKA something you would call “new age” or “woo woo”), but allow me to not be so esoteric and simply break down the typical ways we have sex today.

Average sex is still procreation focused sex. It is only because of the illusions brought on with the use of contraception that we falsely believe we have engineered recreational sex.

But this isn’t true. Truly, it is still quite juvenile for a man to release what he could very well use to start a family into an unceremonious latex bag. Likewise it is even worse for women, as they actively manipulate their hormones to prevent inception.

I have personally not yet practiced Karezza, but it appeals to me because I am very interested in semen retention, but I also know that common sex and orgasm is more of a release of tension rather than long-lasting and sustainable satisfaction.

At it’s worst, I have heard average sex dubbed as “female assisted ejaculation”, and I wholeheartedly agree with that description.

In short, Karezza is a non-orgasm focused sexual practice in which Oxytocin and other pleasure chemicals are maintained and multiplied through sustained sensuality without any of the crashing resulting from orgasm. It has especially been used to revitalize dead bedrooms in marriages, with repeated orgasms being the culprit of declining interest in long-term relationships, as told in Marnia Robinson’s book Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow (I have not read it yet, though).

More on this in the future, but to return to our point, I realized this new paradigm has raised my baseline when I compared these two sex practices while reflecting on my feelings for my old flame.

Despite her red flags, I would still be interested in standard procreation sex, as a means for closure (or just a really good hate-f–k).

But because of her red flags, I would not be interested in Karezza recreational sex with her because it is far too intimate, and she has negative energies that I do not want her to share or combine with me from her.

See the difference?

With both food and sex, I have refrained and practiced self-control, and it has now come to a point where I require a higher quality source to indulge in those behaviors.

Even if I wanted sugar again, I would much rather find a gourmet or home-baked option rather than the average store bought junk.

And now, my future sexual partners require the right energy, and will not used as my one-way need to get-off.

I am truly curious to see how much more my body will reveal its inner cravings, and what my baseline appetite will be after a year of this training program as I embark on this quest to know myself and develop my character.

See you on the Far Side – Monk Moon Base

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