Losing My Compass – Relapse, Desire and Dissatisfaction on No Fap

My No-Fap High Scores List

1st – 163 Days

2nd – 129 Days

3rd – 101 (latest)

The first draft of this story was difficult to write. After a relapse, I had no real sense or conclusion on the matter.

Moments after the relapse happened, I remember saying to myself “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”, which is a very profound statement considering I started this practice in the pursuit of self-knowledge.

“I think there is very little to be learned about yourself in the pursuit of sex. After all it is just a sensual pleasure.” – 30 Days of No-Fap: Road to Self -Mastery

I suppose it would be more meaningful now to flip this statement: What am I learning in the pursuit of non-sex?

Sex Is Always Going To Be There

An old strategy of mine was to deliberately feed into my urges with the intent that I could increase the intensity of my motivation for other habits if I also increased my sexual urges and then focused that energy to those other habits. A specific and frequent example for this was watching porn before working out.

This is quite the crude form of sex transmutation. It would work some of the time, but generally the risks aren’t worth it, and in the end it took more time to complete the desired action anyway because of the distracting sexual build up that had to be done beforehand.

The Power of Sex

I don’t want to remove my sex drive. According to Freud’s theory of sublimation, my sexual dissatisfaction could be the source for my strong drive for achievement as a means for compensation.

“My argument is not to abandon sex forever, but to simply curb it, to fast from it, only to recognize it has no true dominion over you.”Road to Self-Mastery

The context behind that statement was derived from observing the habits of sex-controlled men, with most of their paths leading to danger; #MeToo, financial divorce rape, and even physical harm for the single men frequenting red light districts.

Well, considering all that, masturbation and sex dolls actually seem like pretty great options.

But here’s my problem: I’ve taken the Red Pill.

I’ve learned about the health benefits of semen retention and Non-ejaculatory methods for sex, and I simply can not settle for these cheaper forms of pleasure anymore. I can not go back to the way I was before.

Losing My Compass

Yes, I know; real big talk from someone who relapsed anyway.

But 129 days is still nothing to scoff at. There are men out there that fap several times a day for years on end.

But what can easily happen with longer streaks like mine is a drop in standards and a loss for the fundamentals responsible for success in the first place.

I can tell you now, in the days leading up to my relapse, I had completely forgotten about Karezza. An act like that takes time, practice, and a committed partner; three things I don’t have the mental framework for in my current monk-mode environment.

And so, my reasons for doing No-Fap slowly got further and further away.

Reorientation

“A Saiyan gets stronger after every battle.” – Prince Vegeta

This relapse doesn’t have to be taken as a loss; none of them should be, ever. Do the logical thing: detach from the shame and disappointment and learn from the experience.

#1 Don’t Feed The Beast

As stated earlier, my sex drive is already powerful enough on it’s own; it doesn’t need any extra help. Engaging with it will only allow it to overcome my current focus, and I can’t afford that sort of distraction.

(Like Saruman told the Orcs in The Fellowship of The Ring: “We have work to do!”)

#2 Delayed Gratification

This has always been an issue since the start. Sex is too powerful, and is very difficult to delay through other means to only later intend to satisfy its end.

Obviously I want to have a moderate and responsible sex life, but I also don’t want to be in-between. If I’m going to do it, just go and do it. No more edging and teasing.

Every single part of my life deserves 100% of my attention and effort when it’s the right time for me to focus on it. So if I’ve decided I’m not going to have sex right now, then it’s not worth thinking about at all for the moment.

#3 Tracking Progress

As all this drama is going on with No-Fap, meanwhile, I’ve just made nine months of my Keto/Candida diet. The awesome thing about Health & Fitness is that the gains are very observable, and while the Candida isn’t completely gone yet, I’ve at least reached my weight loss goals and other health benefits.

As someone who was already actively decreasing my masturbation frequency before I even knew about No-Fap, these “superpowers” more chronic abusers experience after they begin this practice aren’t so apparent to me.

And even if I go even further with strict Semen Retention, Debonair D recommends a six-month minimum for complete realization. That’s a really long time for a very esoteric practice with no guarantees for what could be a possible placebo effect. And so, this leads me to my last point, wrapping it all up.

#4 An Everyday Perspective

Honestly, counting my streaks, and especially wanting to reach a certain month/day milestone is making a mountain out of this ordeal. It gets even worse when you have hit high streaks before, because the low-number days you need to build up again don’t have the same impact.

This entire recent streak, I was just looking forward to beating my high score, and everyday not having it wasn’t necessarily making me more likely to achieve it, as it also made me more frustrated that I’m not where I want to be.

Too much projecting into the future made me forget what No-Fap’s purpose is supposed to be for me as an everyday experience.

I want self-mastery. I never want to be in a situation where I am compelled by some external necessity, and I’ve identified sex to be in that category at the moment.

If I just metaphorically wave to my sex drive from across the street, letting it pass me by, I can save myself so much time and money to focus on more productive and beneficial life practices. I know about my sex drive already, but I don’t really know enough about my creative drives, my relationship with food, my full opinion on money, leisure, and luxury.

Once again, sex isn’t something that has to be abandoned forever. I don’t have to be a celibate monk, and even so there are responsible and spiritual ways to incorporate it into my life, like with Karezza, for example.

But what’s clear as day to me right now is that I made some interesting choices with my life prior to MGTOW, and I think the most responsible thing to do right now is to hard freeze on everything unnecessary (deep Monk Mode) and focus on clearing up the debts and damage from the past, and forge new roads and foundations for a more successful future.

I shouldn’t be afraid of this either; I really can’t tell if my Monk Mode will last forever and I become the next Nikola Tesla (I’ve voiced this concern in FINDING THE WALL: PLATEAUED PRODUCTIVITY AND LEAVING MONK MODE).

As a separate analogy, imagine you are advised not to move during meditation. But what if a particular discomfort makes it extremely difficult to quiet the mind as the entirety of your mind becomes focused on ignoring that one uncomfortable feeling?

129/101 days is freaking good, but if No-Fap starts to become a chore in itself and ends up having the reverse effect of distracting me from my main objectives, I have to consider the possibility that I won’t become a No-Fap Guru, and I’m simply just a jack-of-all-trades, and call it quits when the urges do get that strong.

I’m a highly creative individual, and I know from my past experiences that indulging in PMO starts out tame at first, but overtime it will certainly escalate.

But if I could start doing No-Fap Hardmode properly this time, and reset my baseline enough so that I can actually derive some satisfaction from PMO every four months or so, that actually seems like a pretty good deal!

So, I suppose the next challenge and interesting question is: How strong is my sex drive? Will ignoring it on No-Fap actually end up backfiring?

We’ll see. More content on the way.

See you on the Far Side… – Monk Moon Base

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5 Tips for Starting and Surviving No Fap [100 Days Update]

I realized my previous No-Fap updates might have been too advanced, so I have reflected on these past 100 days to offer some useful advice for the No-Fap newbies out there, and a new perspective for current practitioners to reach new heights.

Tip #1: The Zenkai Boost

I’ve used this analogy before, but a lot of the improvements observed during No-Fap can be likened to the same process Saiyans undergo in Dragon Ball Z, in which their power level dramatically increases after they recover from near-fatal injuries.

I specifically identified the “Zenkai Boost” effect after noticing the gaps in frequency for my nocturnal emissions, as the longer I practiced No-Fap, the further away each one occurred from the last.

In the event that you do experience failure on your No-Fap journey, keep in mind that every failure is still valuable experience.

If you are constantly evaluating your progress along the way, you can identify what your triggers are so that you can better avoid them in the next round.

No-Fap is also not a completely mental exercise; you are also dragging along a very incessant body that needs realignment and repair.

#2: Count the Consecutive AND Cumulative Days on No-Fap

Acknowledging our streak counts is by far the most easily recognized habit within the No-Fap community. However, the way it is commonly approached can be harmful to the new practitioner.

Great comment by this guy on a very comedic NoFapper vs. Coomer video.

Those that reject No-Fap are always on day 0, so even though you may fail repeatedly to create a decent streak, you are at least making an effort, and every single moment of those efforts should be recognized.

Start counting your days from the day you decided you wanted to change, because there are so many out there that actively reject to change this habit.

It’s unfair to say that my “Day 0” after hitting 163 days (my high score) is the same “Day 0” as another man who has never made it past 3 days.

All of your experience matters. Count it all.

If you do it this way, even if you fail, you are still on the path and always growing.

#3: Slowly Deprogram (Don’t Go Cold Turkey)

It has never been enjoyable, nor strategically successful, to sternly stamp my foot down and refuse to repeat a certain behavior after previously over-indulging in it.

This especially happens with food, as I used to respond to relapses in my dieting habits with a full day of fasting (sometimes even dry fasting) either to punish myself or hard reset my neural pathways.

It’s absolutely miserable, as it doesn’t make me feel accomplished while doing it, and failing to abide by my own punishment just confirms that I have no control of myself.

Yes, as No-Fappers, we are addicted to porn, but I believe it’s wiser to slowly limit my consumption of it over a certain period of time, and eventually get bored of it (since there’s no orgasm release), as opposed to constantly fighting and struggling against my curiosity.

In fact, new No-Fappers should probably shoot for building up on smaller streaks in the beginning rather than trying to hit a 30 day or 90 day reboot on their first try.

It seems to be the healthiest way to achieve lasting results. With porn, I think it’s better to become desensitized, through boredom and sound logic, rather than overly sensitive, through strict avoidance and repression.

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#4 The Body Needs Discipline (This Stops Wet Dreams)

Isaac from Castlevania, meditating before his self-flagellation exercise

“The Body is sick. It must be purged. It must be focused. This is Holy work.” – Isaac from Castlevania (Netflix)

There are two schools of practice in No-Fap, and the divergence starts around the argument of whether or not a nocturnal emission affects your streak. Believing that it does is a likely path towards practicing full-on semen retention, but either way, a wet dream is not a fun event to go through.

Once again, there are two theories behind why it occurs in the first place.

The first theory is that your body does not yet have the mechanics for retention, neither the muscles nor the neuronal pathways, as it is adjusted to frequent ejaculation, so your body will attempt to expel semen when it is most vulnerable.

I remember a particular night after working out, I decided to skip my cold shower and go for a hot one before bed. I went to bed with a very strong fear that I was going to release at night during a dream, and not more than four hours later, I was disturbed by wildly sexual dreams, confirming my suspicion.

However, over time, my control of these dreams increased. At first, the ejaculations were almost instant, with little or no penetration at all. But as time went on, I was able to force them back, and eventually, not ejaculate at all during dream sex.

Which brings me to the second theory: A weak pelvic floor.

Debonair D has claimed that he has never experienced a wet dream, and he proposes that his natural defense is derived from his early adoption of frequent and heavy exercise, especially lower body workouts which relieve him of tension and pressure in the pelvic area, whereas other men who don’t exercise build up and unfortunately release this tension at night.

I also like to consider Yin/Yang and thermodynamic entropy as well. Having wet dreams is a symptom of the body having too much external heat (Yang energy). This is why I believe I released after my hot shower.

Therefore, incorporating more Yin practices (like meditation and cold showers) will invert the body’s heat and retain it. Making yourself colder will force the body to absorb the heat around you, as entropy is always attempting to achieve temperature uniformity.

#5 Constantly Ask Questions

“A question opens the mind. A statement closes the mind” – Robert Kiyosaki

The last piece of advice is a call back to an earlier article of mine, Two Questions To End Old Habits And Re-Organize Your Life

Structuring your life around bold statements does not seem to be a sustainable practice, and is probably why most New Year’s Resolutions fail after the first two months, or even sooner.

Although I have committed myself to one year of No-Fap and Keto diet training, I have not stated “I will do this for one year”, I have simply asked myself “What will happen if I do this for one year?”

We don’t know the future and we aren’t very good at even predicting our own behavior, so it’s important to keep our mindsets open and constantly gauge ourselves during our search for self-knowledge and wisdom.

If the urge to watch porn again comes up, you don’t have to be so adamantly against it, just simply ask a few questions.

What is the end goal of watching porn? It will most likely result in masturbation.

How does watching porn develop my character? I think it just makes me a person that watches porn.

What will I learn about myself? This one hurts. I don’t know! Is what I watch what I’m actually attracted to, or am I being programmed or manipulated into certain categories? However, I don’t think I’ll find the answer by watching more porn.

By asking questions, you make a graceful arrival to the logical conclusion, as opposed to the constant resistance of a definitive statement. It’s also a more mindful practice that introduces objective introspection rather than the ego investment that occurs through making declarations and promises to uphold or abstain from certain behaviors.

Don’t ever be afraid to not have an answer for your questions either. There is nothing wrong with an unsolved or open-ended question, as I believe just having the ability to ask it is enough proof of progress and demonstration of logic, and accepting the empty space is more likely to allow you to live in the present moment than believing every action needs to be explained.

“The only true wisdom is in knowing that you know nothing.” – Socrates

I’ll see you on the Far Side… – Monk Moon Base

What are your thoughts? Are you going to start or have been on No-Fap? Feel free to share your experience in the comments.

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Two Questions To End Old Habits and Re-Organize Your Life

There is little use in structuring your life on definitive statements.

“I’m going to lose weight this year.”

“I’m going to save more money.”

“I wont relapse again.”

We command ourselves as if we know and have full control of our behavior. We feel empowered in that moment to make these statements, and our resolve feels real, but how great are we really at predicting the future?

“A question opens the mind. A statement closes the mind.” -Robert Kiyosaki

Let’s stop acting like we know. At the very best, let’s commit to making an educated guess, or defer to the data we already have, and lead ourselves down a better path of self-knowledge and curiosity.

Here are the questions:

What is the end goal of this action?

and how does it develop my character? (Or alternatively, what does this teach me about myself?)


What Is The End Goal?

This question helped me to quit video-games (or at least put them on pause for a while), because I realized there was no end-game for the habit.

There are so many new games being released every month. And yet, there are also so many old games that I have yet to play. After I finish one game, I will just have to pull another one off of the backlog and finish that one too, while my wish list simultaneously builds up.

Never ending consumption.

So I’ve given away my Nintendo Switch. In my two decades of playing video games, I have surely accumulated enough data to at least extract a meaningful 20% of video-games that will encompass 80% of my total playing time now.

I have a Nintendo Wii with most of my favorite games on it already, and a CRT TV to reproduce the aesthetic feel. Why do I need anything more?

We may not be able to predict the future, but asking yourself what is the end goal? will most certainly stop you from an endless road of unceasing consumption. You may have already arrived. You may have all that you need for the right now.

How Does This Develop My Character/ What Does This Teach Me About Myself?

This is another great question to ask when you are faced with repeating your old habits.

Suppose you are committed to a new healthy diet, and suddenly you are craving something off the menu. Why should you indulge this craving?

You already know that you want this particular thing, how would indulging in it provide you with additional self-knowledge?

I love donuts. In my life I’ve eaten 1,000 donuts. What new pathway will be opened up if I go up to 1,001?

And there’s no need to commit or to promise never again to eat donuts, but simply ask what is the end goal of this donut? How will this donut develop my character?

It may not serve you now, but it could be relevant in another season. Don’t cry. Don’t run. Don’t have such strong beliefs for yourself.

Let’s just be open and try and ask more meaningful questions which lead to more meaningful resolutions.


See you on the Far Side – Monk Moon Base

Photo Credit: Photo by Hello I’m Nik 🇬🇧 on Unsplash

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