Originally published March 14, 2021 on my Publish0x blog
On the topic of becoming a family man:
I suppose the source of my perfectionism is the fact that I was raised without a father figure, and I had to set a good example for my younger siblings, as I was the eldest.
It was always more important for me to make the right choice the first time. My brothers could just follow me or avoid my mistake.
Unfortunately my brothers and I were too embarrassed to discuss girls and relationships with each other, so I was free in that regard, but I applied the perfectionist pressure to it for my own purposes.
For years, I pined for that “perfect virgin girl”. I went dateless to prom after finding out the girl I planned to go with was a bit of a slut, which would be perfect for any other normal teen male to wanting to secure getting laid on prom night.
But not for me.
Things got worse years later when I started consuming red pill content, and began collecting red flags on girls, ultimately letting relationships fizzle out.
Even when I seriously doubted my belief in Christianity, it was a convenient crutch to explain my prolonged virginity.
Of course, I am blaming all of this on perfectionism, and not a serious issue of sexual repression of which I probably needed therapy for, but nonetheless, at 25, I was happy that I had no STDs or children.
I fully embraced the MGTOW Monk lifestyle.
But unfortunately, I tried to spread the gospel to the Incel industry, and got caught up in their negative energies.
I am a dark-skin Latino, and I’ve always relied on my Spanish speaking background so I can be differentiated from black people. However, I would always feel insecure that I was not fluent.
I felt the same with the Incels, as I first naively thought our shared status as virgins would give me credibility, but they valued losing it so badly, while I did not, and I never got through to them. Alas, I wanted to differentiate myself from them too. However, I would always feel insecure about that as well, as my first time would later be with an escort.
That is precisely why I took a one-year celibacy vow, because that decision felt so out of my character that I needed time to reconsider everything I thought about my life. But after the celibacy vow was up, I sought out more destructive behavior anyway, and had casual encounters using hook up apps.
And I’m not proud of this behavior at all. I won’t lie, one of the girls was a bit of a train-wreck, and I actually hoped her instability would eventually make her kill herself one day, so she wouldn’t become a tabloid story if I ever got famous.
But even on the way to her house, I knew my reputation would be ruined if I went through with it.
And yet I did it anyway.
Where were my high standards? Why did time make me more careless? Why was I not affected by the sunken-cost fallacy?
Perhaps it’s because I have always considered myself damaged and unworthy because I had been raised in such a broken home. No father or mother, and my grandfather left us when we were very young as well.
But as a writer, I sometimes see these supposed “truths” of my life with a harsh lucidity that considers them as just interesting narrative for my backstory. Excuses are only excuses when you use them as reasons not to try, and I could still go for the white-picket fence if I really wanted it.
No matter what made you, you still have to fight.
But it’s very difficult to fight for things you have never seen or never had. How can I be expected to raise a family if the one I came from is so broken?
My brother is trying his hand at marriage now, but this is after he’s already had a baby momma, who is also in another state raising his son without him.
So, trying to reach a goal like raising a family, without any true background in it, offers no guarantees, and perhaps requires some level of arrogance (or ignorance) to disregard the odds.
But simply being wary of the gamble of marriage is one thing. What I’ve done to myself was sabotage.
When I do reach my peak earning years and am prime marriage material, could I really look at a pure, uncorrupted 18 year old girl in the eyes and want to marry her, and then also face my children with her in my wholesome home and completely forget about all the tainted deeds I’ve done?
I am always differentiating myself from others.
I love being niche.
For every new and popular thing that is released, there is a 70% chance I wait until discussion dies down about it so I can “enjoy it in peace.”
Marriage, kids, and a stable home is what is mainstream, and expected of society.
I procrastinated on getting that by having such high standards with women for all these years. And when I abandoned those standards, I made sure I did the dirtiest things possible to make sure I could not be included for that category anymore.
This is undeniable.
The only thing left for me to do is resolve my guilt, either by trying to seek some sort of redemption, or accepting my position and choosing to see how the other side lives and fully embrace my rogue nature.
Granted, the hook-up apps have been deleted for now, as I’m focused on another six months of celibacy.
I may be a rogue, but I can at least make the dark side as wholesome as possible.
Unless I meet a cute girl when I get back to college in the Fall, I’ll lean towards staying celibate until I get to Japan.
I feel more comfortable being an outsider there, in more ways than one.
I’ll See You on the Far Side… – Moon Base
When I was a young boy
My father took me into the city
To see a marching band
He said, “Son, when you grow up
Would you be the savior of the broken
The beaten and the damned?”
He said, “Will you defeat them?
Your demons, and all the non-believers
The plans that they have made?”
“Because one day, I’ll leave you a phantom
To lead you in the summer
To join the black parade”
– Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance