This blog post was originally published on 3/24/20 on my website.
I’ve been Playing on the Hardest Difficulty on my diet and especially on No Fap, which I’ve recently hit a major check point on past the 30 day mark.
Technically, the last PMO was 79 days ago, but the reason why I’m highlighting this particular 34 day streak is because I completely cut out all intentional viewing of sexual imagery. Yes, that even includes avoiding Twitch thots and YouTube click bait.
Sandman is lucky I already followed his channel before all the sex propaganda he has in his videos now.
But the goal of all this isn’t to deny my sexuality. I haven’t taken any vows of celibacy. This is simply a fast from stimulating my sexual desire for a 90-day reboot.
I believe absence does make the heart grow fonder, and I want to know how strong my desire is, and if there truly is something deeper underneath it all.
We’re too overstimulated to know what we really want anymore. Any moment of silence and introspection is smothered each time we refresh the News Feed. Our mental diets are now dictated by the algorithm. We’re procrastinating from being assigned responsibility for our own lives.
Only when we are fasted and deprived can we truly know what’s meaningful and necessary. It’s the only way we can shed ourselves of everything that is artificial.
Of course when you first start fasting or dieting you will settle for any form of sustenance no matter its quality to return you back to your previously perceived equilibrium. But as you persevere, you gain focus and discipline. Former habits and temptations become trivial.
Practicing intentional control over food and sex is in fact a red pill.
I struggled for so long to get past 30 days on the Keto diet because I would miss the taste of my favorite junk foods, but the longer I practiced Keto, the more I realized I was only initiated by the years of good memories and neural pathways associated with the food, and derived less and less actual satisfaction from the foods themselves overtime. By now, with over six months of strict practice under my belt, I’m repulsed just by the smell of certain snacks I used to enjoy. I don’t even have to look at the labels to talk myself out of them anymore. Sugar and high-carb has become the Blue Pill.
I hope I can be able to say the same about porn, masturbation, and mainstream sex as well, but it’s just too soon to tell. In fact, suppressing my sexuality actually interfered with my diet, as I found myself overeating and consuming more entertainment media than usual just to hide from it.
I honestly would not recommend someone focusing on taming both their food and sex drives at once like I am, but like I said, the hardest difficulty encourages the most growth at the fastest rate. – Play On The Hardest Difficulty – MGTOW, No Fap and Semen Retention
At first, I actually regretted working on both fasting and No Fap at the same time, but now I’m quite grateful, as I appreciate food a lot more now, making the roars of my sex drive more quiet these days.
“Food just passes through you, in the same way sex passes through you. It’s just a biological drive. However, the difference is that food is more of a necessity than sex. Without food you may die. But you can survive just fine without an orgasm.” – 30 Days of No-Fap – Road to Self-Mastery
The more disciplined I become in my control of sex, the less I need to hide from it. But with fewer activities left to pass the time and compensate, the closer I get to the core of things, and the root of my dissatisfaction and desire.
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Into The Depths of Desire
Throughout all these years, I never realized how deeply I retreated into porn to cover up or escape my emotions.
During this most recent No Fap streak, I believe I truly got to the root of my dissatisfaction with my life.
My earlier notes discussed this idea of a need for “relief“, which most likely refers to relief from the work and stress I’m going through trying to become debt-free and move out into my own apartment. However, my current income as well as the high rent prices in NYC make that very difficult.
So, to escape this, I obviously need to put in more hours at my day job, and invest in a side business such as this blog, for additional income and mobility. But with the amount of money that has to be saved and paid toward my debts, I can’t help but feel like I’m just spinning my wheels. I can only chase the carrot for so long without any reinforcement to keep going.
That’s why I’m willing to call myself an incel right now, because I do not have the time nor mental wherewithal to date, nor the money (if I’m being responsible) for an “express date” (escort).
So, essentially, I needed to come up with some scheme that would offer some incentive and satisfaction in the interim to keep the engine running at high efficiency until I get to my goal.
But to make matters worse, I was also experimenting with alternate day all-day dry fasting, which means I would have one day of regular feeding and the next day completely without food or water.
Yes, there is.
As I laid there resting from my work, hungry, thirsty, and horny, I experienced real lethargy knowing I would not see any relief to any of my biological urges at this time, and that I had to power through my work for no other reason than it being the most logical thing to do.
I had finally reached the final form of all my training: I became a stoic machine that does only what is necessary. But without any sensory pleasures, life had become so bleak, even my greatest dissatisfaction from not being alone began to fade in the background.
I realized I needed a distraction if I aimed to continue with any more work. If I am a machine, then my battery must be passion, and I did not have enough passion towards my job or my main objective to power through this depleted and deprived state. The little bit of effort I already put in was enough.
If I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I’d keep running through the darkness, but my work breaks were just time to rest my mind until getting back into more work. I had nothing to look forward to, and it made work even harder to get through.
I actually already answered in the article what it was exactly that was more in life than food and sex. It was Spirituality, Philosophy, Science, and Art.
I particularly relied on Art to get me through these food-and-sexless times, especially video games, and it’s actually quite incredible how heavily invested I can become in the hobby.
I almost teared up actually, when I was hit with nostalgia for Pokemon. After struggling for so long with porn addiction, I was so happy to know that I could still be enthralled by wholesome things like video-games and rediscovering my childhood.
I’ve been playing more video-games lately, which is why I published two stories related to Fallout 4 recently. I would power through my work harder than ever just to have enough spare time to play.
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Will I Remain In Monk Mode?
In one of my more profound early writings, Finding The Wall: Plateaued Productivity and Leaving Monk Mode, I meditated on productivity and what limits I would have to hit in order to consider leaving the state.
This experiment has enlightened me that to perform work I must have compensation and resources. Genuine work like creating art asks for very little in return, but my menial day job requires a lot of hand-holding. The monetary compensation is very low, the tasks are monotonous, but it offers me at-home comfort, so I’ve settled with it.
The paradox of desperation is that it motivates me to take action, but also adds stress that decreases my satisfaction.
My desperation to move out has been great, but not enough to consider sacrificing with more student loan debt or a normie job on the outside world. Therefore, I’m only pushing myself as hard as the proportion of satisfaction I’m getting in return.
Even if the horse chases harder initially to get the entire carrot, it will run out of incentive and energy eventually unless you feed it small pieces of carrot along the way.
That said, I have stripped my dopamine system down to its core so that just the pleasant thought of eating one of my simple meals with an episode of anime is enough to get me out of bed and straight to work in the morning. I can forget about sex completely if I can sublimate it with creative expression, and I’ve gamified my accounting to give every day of work more impact.
But maybe, at the back of my mind, I know things are only going this well because at the end of it all, I still desire the whole carrot. I know my gut will be healed one day and I can safely eat sugar again. All my debts will be paid off and I’ll have my own space. I’ll have more money and free time to date.
So, if I start running any faster, or my goal seems to be getting closer, it’s only because I’ve gotten hornier, and hungrier.
However, there is a notable portion of my desire dedicated to the fact that more time, space, and money will massively benefit my creative efforts. I could record so much more audio for my videos with an empty house, and could afford commissioning art work for my fictional works. But for now, the acquisition of sensory pleasures, along with our need to avoid pain, must be the basic formula for all human achievement.
But beware, my friends. If we dive any deeper than this, I think we will approach the surface of the soul.
See you on the Far Side… – Monk Moon Base
“Epicureanism argued that pleasure was the chief good in life. Hence, Epicurus advocated living in such a way as to derive the greatest amount of pleasure possible during one’s lifetime, yet doing so moderately in order to avoid the suffering incurred by overindulgence in such pleasure. Emphasis was placed on pleasures of the mind rather than on physical pleasures. Unnecessary and, especially, artificially produced desires were to be suppressed.” – Epicureanism Wikipedia
Thanks for reading. What are your thoughts? If there is no food or sex, Conan, what is best in life?
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