My first girlfriend ruined dating for me.
I spent most of high school freshman year under the radar until I started getting recognition for my academic success, which attracted the attention of a pretty cute girl.
I actually had a massive crush on her friend instead, who was much smarter and more interesting, but I never had a girlfriend before, so I took the offer.
I remember the next day in class when a friend of mine metaphorically bared his neck out to me in apology for touching my new girlfriend inappropriately, as he hadn’t heard the news yet.
As the relationship went on, I had to block upperclassmen from staring at her, and even though she wasn’t that popular herself, other students were curious about me and I started meeting new people that way.
However, my choice to vacation in Florida for the summer ended the relationship, and I was back to being a Zero at the start of 10th grade.
But I would never forget what having a pretty girl on your arm did for how I was viewed in the world.
After my first relationship, any girl I would potentially add to my life was estimated against how my friends, family, and the general population would react to it.
I actually want dateless to Prom because I had found out that the Junior girl I was interested in taking wasn’t the good girl I thought she was. People kept trying to set me up with girls after that, even my Principal! But most were below me in status, so I just went with my Bros and danced with those girls later on anyway.
Mutual attraction with a girl didn’t really matter; dating her would be a reflection or extension of me out to the world, so she would have to meet some high standards.
It bothered me for a while that every romantic decision had to be vetted in this way. But now that I am MGTOW, and in Monk Mode for that matter, I’m beginning to realize I might not have been that interested in dating and relationships that much to begin with.
“Sex is all amygdala, not neocortex.”
Is what was told to me during my first time, losing my virginity.
But it seems I have always been wrestling with my biology. I actually put off losing my virginity for so long because I was always hoping I would have a good story to tell if I was ever asked about it.
Everything had to be perfect…
My brother is married and one of our mutual best friends is going to be next. They double date all the time now, and now our old traditions we had when we were all bachelors have become couples-events.
In fact, I was last-minute invited to one of our favorite traditional dinners because there happened to be some extra space, which was unfair because I could have totally gotten a date if I was told ahead of time!
But I suppose they assumed I would go solo, and me being a fifth wheel wasn’t fun for any of us. Even though it’s something that we all used to look forward to every year, I won’t be attending the next one unless I have a date.
In fact, I now only seriously consider a girlfriend when I think about my brother and his friend, because I only want a hot girlfriend just to show them up for those types of events.
There’s plenty of restaurants I want to check out around the city, but that’s really not an exclusive event only reserved for a relationship. In fact, I’d probably much rather enjoy a bigger group of friends to enjoy this with.
I literally only fantasize about having a hot girlfriend for family events and so on, so everyone can see how cool I am because of her.
But outside of that, spending so much time with just one person, only because you are attracted to them, just doesn’t make sense to me anymore.
I’m not getting any social recognition or value by being cooped up under a blanket watching Netflix with my girl.
I would really only want a social girlfriend. I would only date a girl for her status.
But left completely to my own devices, I would just go my own way.
See you on the Far Side – Monk Moon Base
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